Pre-change pain
On honoring all that came before your bold moves and fork-in-the-road decisions
I savored the bright tandoori chicken and crisp, spicy onions and peppers, explaining in between bites the surprising ease of the decision and recent action to decrease my media consumption by 85%+ for over three months.
It’s been “smooth like butta”, as the SNL Coffee Talk ladies would say. Even during week two (which, btw, was like walking through sludge while dodging powerful cravings), it was (perplexingly) easy to not give up.
This hasn’t been the case in previous attempts. Typically, here’s how it goes:
Make a plan to decrease media consumption.
Stick with it for something like four hours or maybe three days.
Succumb to the extreme discomfort of not having the TV show, podcast, or YouTube to escape into.
Binge a stupid amount of media and waste a day or three.
Decide to deal with it another year.
Without needing to explain all this, my wise friend replied, “Well, of course it was easy. Look at all the foundation-building you did to get to that point.”
This. This is what we forget to offer ourselves in the midst of grappling with a change that we know is right for us. Whether it’s opting into something new or letting go of something that’s no longer serving us, there can be a long runway to get to the “action” part. That’s more than ok. It’s normal.
So, what if we offered ourselves support instead of criticism during those times of grappling—when we are holding the longing for something different in one hand but but still gripping onto the familiar with the other.
In that vein, I’d like to send a love note to anyone in this in-between space, aware of a change you want, but not quite actioning on it. I wrote this a couple of years after I finally got to the “action” part of changing my relationship with alcohol, looking back at my past self who grappled so mightily
before the timing was right and letting go of it felt like stepping into a current and surrendering.
Dear one,
I know this moment right now does not feel like progress.
Maybe you feel like you've lost all the ground you've gained. Maybe it seems like the Universe is working against you. Maybe all the actions you're taking aren't bringing the results you expect.
I know it's tempting to think: I'll never change. This is too hard. I'm too broken.
Dear one, I hear you. I get it. I've been there.
And let me tell you the truth…
This is not the end. You are whole now and each moment. YOU ARE IN PROCESS RIGHT NOW.
Think of a seed. There’s so much that has to go on inside and underground before we see anything externally.
Nature shows us beautifully how growth happens. To start, it's internal, with no apparent changes. Then suddenly, a green shoot emerges from the soil. Buds bloom. Fruit grows.
Right now, this moment of struggle and doubt and pain. This is you IN PROCESS.
Trust me. Trust the Universe. Trust yourself.
Your growth is happening at just the right pace. It may not be the pace you want. It may not be the pace your culture idealizes. But it is happening.
Imagine what happens when we try to interfere with the seed’s natural pace of growth. We know it needs sun and water. But, if we flood it with constant hydration and turn on a light at night, we disrupt the process.
We take away the natural cycles of thirst before water, and darkness before light.
Imagine what might happen to the seed. Does the pressure help? Or does it make growth harder?
What if it were possible to honor all parts of your growth cycle? To love yourself when you’re hibernating. To love yourself when you’re “failing” or feeling despair. To love yourself when the thing you’ve been working on for so long starts to be.
As long as you hold an intention in your heart, as long as you practice giving yourself compassion, as long as you commit to recommitting each time you fall short, you will change. It is inevitable.
And this moment? When everything feels impossible. And you feel broken. And you question if you will ever do it. THIS IS PART OF THE PROCESS TOO.
You are in process, dear one, in this, and every moment.
Trust that.
You've got this.